Working with Couples
With couples I take a more directive approach to support you to understand the dynamics at play between you, communicate and listen better, build connection and grow together. Some examples of common dynamics that I encounter are pursuer withdrawer patterns, power struggles, high conflict and enmeshment. Sometimes the work is slowing down the interactions so that you can both really hear each other and start to understand the other's world without it seeming like a threat to your own. Often it is creating safety so you can each speak from the heart and say what you would like from your partner. I teach ways of communicating and staying grounded that you can use at home to avoid escalations.
Each person in a couple brings with them their childhood wounds and unmet needs, the cultures of their families and beyond, and perhaps their neurodivergence. Add in financial pressures, parenthood, betrayals, disability, sickness or caring responsibilities and there is a complex mix where each person is pulled to childhood ways of coping which obstruct connection. These ways of coping often work in opposition to each other and each reacts to the reactivity of the other. The more someone pulls away, the more the other criticises, for example, so they get stuck in a loop. I can help a couple to learn about each other, to see the deep feelings under the behaviour that troubles them, to take their partner's feelings less personally, and to navigate difficulties as a team rather than as warring or disconnected individuals.
What it requires from you is an open heart, a willingness to look at yourselves and make some changes and a commitment to the process, even if you are unsure at this point if ultimately you will stay together.